Wednesday, October 3, 2012

My Former "Gay" Life in Porn

I was born in 1969, not far from San Francisco. I attended Catholic parochial schools from kindergarten to the Twelfth grade. This was the 1970s and 80s, when the Church was feeling the first repercussions from the Second Vatican Council, Humanae Vitae, and the world-wide sexual revolution. I remember learning very little from my Catholic religious education, though I can still recall all the lyrics from “The Sound of Silence” taught to us by a smiling guitar-strumming sister. One peculiar incident that also always stood out from the fog of the past, was a priest telling my class that the best Catholics are those that question everything. He didn’t explain this concept, that would have been difficult as we were all still only pre-teens, he just threw it out there. Well, it stuck in my mind. Later on, as a young adult, I think I never really knew Jesus, therefore I could not believe in him. But I doubted everything the Catholic Church held as sacred: and the only place I knew these dogmas was when we recited The Creed during Mass. While being forced to go to church, either by my parents our as a part of some school function, I stopped saying it all-together.
 Once I turned eighteen, one of the first solo trips that I made was to the Castro in San Francisco. For those who may not be familiar with this neighbor, it is the epee-center of the gay world. Ever since I had been exposed to pornography at a very young age, I was perpetually confused about my sexuality. Was I straight, gay, or bi? I thought I could find out in the homosexual mecca. That day, I planned on meeting a friend there, but until he arrived, I had a few hours to kill. I walked around the area, stopping into the various antique stores and bookshops. In one place, that was crammed with old posters, antique bronzes, and furniture, I saw a beautiful watercolor hanging in the very back of the room. I could tell that it depicted several nude men standing around a lake. As I got closer, I was shocked to see that all the figures sported grossly enlarged genitals. This experience, though I could hardly realize it then, spoke much of what I would later find in gay culture: a longing for beauty and the divine that somehow always becomes base and materialistic.
 In the spirit of further exploration, I started picking up female prostitutes and visiting the legal brothels in Nevada. I enjoyed myself, but the risk and the cost became too much for me. Since I was already hooked on porn, I found some cheaper relief at local adult bookstores and theaters. I thought I was lucky, when I discovered that you could have anonymous and free sex with various men at these sordid dives. Thus began my dark descent into the world of homosexual promiscuity. Soon afterward, I started hearing strange voices. They told me to do things; to go to places that I had never been before. One of the first locations they guided me was a gay sex-club. I would make many such trips to that one and other such haunts around the Bay Area. I met my first lover there. He was older, wealthy, and kind, but equally deceptive. He introduced me to the kink sub-cultures. Once we tired of each other, I moved on to some of his friends. Many of them liked to be video-taped while having sex. At first I loved it, then I became bored. For gay man, there is this constant sort-of restlessness. Its pervasive and all-encompassing. The wounds that we can not admit to, are ever present. In our mind, the only remedy: is another man. For we lack the innate masculinity that should be present within us.
 One day, a friend told me about an amateur pornographer who paid guys to masturbate in front of his camera. I thought the idea rather tame, but I gave it a try. The adoration and praise that I received, if only from a third rate-porn pusher, was intoxicating. From there, I entered the universe of BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism.) To keep my interest, I needed something more hard-core. Other men recorded our dungeon rituals. Then watching porn was a much more involved affair. You could not just click your finger, you had to actually get into your car and buy the stuff or order it through the mail. Back when I was in porn, pornography, especially gay porn, was a more inclusive and cultish affair. I was a part of the coven. From that point, I couldn’t stop. I felt myself always falling further and further downwards. I wanted some meaning in my life. Foolishly, I thought I found what I was yearning for in the occult. It started by dabbling in the New Age, that progressed to pagan ceremonies and eventually satanism. It fit neatly with the quasi-religious practices and symbolism that was everywhere in the gay culture: the sex act was the new sacrament. My new obsession gave me a fleeting sense of power, but everything only got worse.
Near death, vomiting up gallons of blood in a hospital emergency room, the demons finally came for me. At first, I cursed at the Lord, then I became frightened. I did not want to go to hell. For the first time, in many years, I called out to God. That instant, the demons left. For the next few days, I was catatonic. I didn’t know what to do. The only Church I had ever known was the Catholic Church. Could I go back? Did I even want to? Thankfully, our Blessed Pope John Paul II had published The Catechism of the Catholic Church since the time I left the Faith. Thank the Lord, my mother owned a copy. I turned to the section on homosexuality. There was hope. From my childhood, I remembered something about going to a thing called Penance. I tracked down a kindly priest I once to a liking to during the beginning of my fall, and confessed my sins. It all seemed too easy. Things were still not right with me. I felt sullied and evil. I clung to all that I was. I could not accept the love of Jesus.
I spent the next few years, running to and from different religious communities. I knew, deep down, that I did not have a religious vocation, but I felt safe in remote monasteries surrounded by religious and priests. I thought the devil could not find me there. I was wrong. Suddenly, I was forced to return to California and face my past once again. Through the Grace of God, a newly ordained priest was giving a series of talks on the occult in my hometown. I decided to go. Once he was finished, I spoke briefly to him. He seemed to already know much of my story. He asked me to follow him into a little room in the back of the church. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I sat down, he placed his stole on my head and prayed over me. I was delivered from the devils still causing my fear and lack of trust in the Lord. Now, I could love Jesus with my whole heart.
Occasionally, the forgotten whispers of my past will echo through my head. When I am under stress, anxious, or depressed, they sound almost melodious. They call me back. But the world that I once inhabited is a place I can not go back to; for there, only death awaits me. The struggle to remain next to Jesus is often a heavy burden. I believe that gay men are given a very special opportunity to carry the Cross with Our Lord and share in his most intimate sufferings. For we too, have known rejection and hatred. But we have a choice: we can surrender to our weaknesses and let ourselves be crushed or the weight can become light and joyful. Onetime, before Jesus saved me, I met a sickly man riddled with AIDS. He was not angry or bitter because he knew what had brought him to that state. Then, I thought his cheerful demeanor very strange. Only he had accepted the truth. His suffering was joined with Our Lord. He was doing what he had to do. And he died in peace.




49 comments:

  1. My friend, your history is very touching
    thanks for sharing with the world.

    i live in Colombia.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Powerful story! Thanks for having courage and for sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, thanks for sharing.

    When I'm tempted at looking at porn, I often go to Shelley Lubben's website or your website, and then I'm reminded of what evil forces are behind porn.

    Your testimony needs to be heard by many people.

    Keep your light shining.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dude, you *so* need to spend more time with your shrink... or at last take your meds. You sound like every other nutcase so-called "ex-gay" out there. You're either seriously confused or starting to run a con job. Either way, you're pathetic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For everyone's information, I have never claimed to be an ex-gay. I rebuke that name that has been forced upon many of us.

      Delete
  5. What I have written is the story of my life. I have been through too much to waste time lying. I have no agenda. And I still dearly love all of my brothers who are still in the gay world.

    ReplyDelete
  6. well gay is gay... those who go both ways are bi-sexual... if you find some one to love... it could be either and you'd respond. You haven't been cured, there was never a disease. The addictions you suffered from ... now that is different... when those things affect the quality of your life and relationships then they are a problem. Growing up Catholic will bring out the best or worst in a person. good luck ... glad u are happy... Not everyone finds your path as the one that works.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello, Joseph. I am sorry to hear of your suffering. It need not be the way you describe forever. You need not be torn on a pendulum between the two opposing poles of utter religiosity, ostentatious spirituality, and Jesus-addiction on the one end, and flagrant, continuous, promiscuously unbridled "gay" sex, self-violence, and sexual addiction on the other. There are plenty of us who love men physically and sexually (or "a man" as the case may be) who are well-adjusted, secure with themselves, and "happy" (whatever that means, in honesty, to the individual). It starts with loving yourself, and accepting nature *as it manifests within you* - there are no rights and wrongs of who you are, or what you feel, or how you express yourself. Just be you, and you'll be true. In a culture that still has a very repressive and negative view of us, this task may seem virtually impossible - but it isn't. It is possible to love yourself, love men physically and sexually, and still be an observer of the "gay" world without being implicated hopelessly within it. I wish you true peace and love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the thoughtful and intelligent response. They have been a rare commodity lately. I wish you all the best in your life. I will be publishing a book in the next few months about my experinces, in which I go into these questions with more depth. Its very difficult to give any real attention to such enormous topics in the blog format. On your points: I was not always miserable or unhappy in the gay life; but I wanted to live according to the teachings of Our Lord Jesus, and that I could not do while I was in the homosexual world. Even though, I had times of contentment: I was still always restless and searching. That pain only left when I returned to Jesus. I know full well that what I have to say is not for everyone, but I love my brothers in the gay community. Those that want to listen to me, I will embrace; those that do not, I love you all the more. Some in our circles, think that all Christians are gay-haters, I am not one. If you send me your address, I would be happy to send a free book to you when they arrive from the publisher. Have a wonderful New Year.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    3. You are so wrong, Mr. Anonymous. You speak from satan, as the Bible and Christ make it clear that homosexuality is wrong. You are still under the dark deception of LIES. It need not be this way for you forever, Mr. Anonymous. You too can be set free from the LIES and DECEPTION, after asking for forgiveness from Jesus alone, and being washed clean by His blood. There is no other way to true peace and love. Stop your LIES today.

      Delete
  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blessings on you for all your success, but I am merely speaking and writing about my own experiences. Have a Wonderful and Peaceful New Year. I look forward to reading your book.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    3. Honestly, the image of what you described is frightening. There's no beauty in that sex act and it does not come from God.

      Even if it does not damage the annal area, it damages the mind and the spirit.

      Delete
    4. I BELIEVE THIS TRUE TRANSFORMING STROY, ANAL SEX IS WRONG, IT DAMAGES TO BODY AND SPIRIT. THANKYOU LORD JEXUS5 FOR THS FREE GIFT OF SALVATION, MAY THE HOLY SPIRIT SAVE US ALL, AMEN.

      Delete
  11. I am curious to know if you believe your being gay, having anonymous bdsm and "kink" sex, entering porn, and the occult to be all connected. I can understand how someone searching for fulfillment can go through that path to such a point and that you are simply sharing your story. Unlike other commenters, I don't mean to attack your experiences or beliefs.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank for the comment. I believe my very early childhood questioning of my sexuality goes back to the tragic exposure I had to porn as a boy. It had a very degenerative and liberalizing effect: where I came to accept all forms of sexual expression, no matter how sick or dangerous. When I entered the gay lifestyle at age 19 in San Francisco, I got quickly used up as a group of older gay men passed me from one to the other. Despite this, I always kept looking for pure love and companionship in the gay life: the more I looked and didn’t find it - the more desperate I became; where I was willing to do pretty much anything to get it. That included the occult. Hope that answers your question. My best to you in the New Year.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was never a star, I used that term just to help those searching for me. I am not proud: I was a slave for many older gay men in the City who used me and many filmed our deeds and sold them. Many blessings to you.

      Delete
  14. Thank you for your inspiring story.

    I totally believe it and have witnessed so many men who have, by God's great grace, also found the release and joy that you speak of.

    I pray that all those who are currently bound up by fear and anger against the truth, which liberates men to serve God in real freedom, will arrive at the same place that He has brought you.

    God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think you are right, you were a lost individual. Your experience is typical for a lot of people, gay or straight. You were acting out deeply personal problems and had no real stability or guidance. You succumbed to anything that would make you feel less empty.

    The thing I question, is what makes you think you've overcome this?

    You may have overcome lust, but you are still acting in self-idolatry. To assume that you have any more higher moral ground than your peers is vanity.

    You found religion, but you are still lost.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are a hypocrite. Your psychoanalysis assumes that you have a higher moral ground than people like the author.

      You are also judgemental... Your definition of lost is some people's definition of found.

      With intolerant, insensitive, and heterophobic comments like yours, you're in fact, the one who is lost.

      Delete
  16. You've been through some trauma, and I never like to see any human being suffer. Although you have some physical scars due to extreme / unsafe sexual encounters, I think religion is scarring you mentally. It has robbed you rationality, left you with doubts that you are/were a good person. It has made you think that there are super natural entities in this world. There are not. You are okay with who you are and what you've done is in the past, the future is up to you. Gay, bi, straight are all just names, we all enjoy a good orgasm.. just do it safely with consenting adults. Let go of any needless guilt and seek happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Religion is neither scarred him mentally or robbed him of rationality. It is true that there are supernatural entities in this world.

      There are.

      Just because you don't believe it in doesn't mean the demonic underworld does not exist.

      Everyone enjoys a good orgasm, but if you believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ, then the melarchy of "do whatever feels good," is garbage. Discipline, structure, and adherance to God's laws are the answers to true fulfillment - joy. Happiness is fleeting, it's conditional and only lasts while the conditions are right (like an orgasm), joy lasts forever, even with the circumstances aren't so good; and that inner peace only comes with a relationship with Christ Jesus.

      Delete
  17. Good Bless you Joesph...when reading the hateful comments,realise the Devil is a liar,and he hates the truth,so you will insulted,persecuted and abused..thank ou for letting people know there is hope

    ReplyDelete
  18. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While I appreciate your observations, I will have to delete it because of the vulgarities. I used “gay” with quotation marks because I rebuke that word that has been forcibly placed on many. As a child I did have some same sex attractions, but that did not make me gay. Many in the gay world want to foist this label on anyone with those feeling and bring them into the fold. Once inside, you must accept the agenda. I believe we are all children of God, and I am not gay. I am me.

      Delete
  19. An important and sincere question for Joseph:

    Does anal sex between a man and a woman have the same potential for releasing demonic evil in the world as gay anal sex does?

    I apologize for having to be anonymous, but it's necessary because of the sensitive nature of this topic.

    I try my best to be a devout Christian, but I have had my failings in the past. I am still struggling to come to terms with the things I did. My question is whether or not anal sex between a man and a woman can give birth to the same level of evil that anal sex between men can. I understand from having studied the occult that "sex magick" is indeed a way of summoning demons. I never engaged "sex magick" per se, but I must shamefully admit to having engaged in anal intercourse with a woman. I am wondering if such an act has the same potential to release evil into the world as does gay anal sex.

    Thank you kindly for being courageous enough to speak the truth on this topic and replying to these comments. You are an example for Christian men everywhere.

    J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your interest. I based a lot of what I was talking about on my very early (in my late teens and twenties) belief in the teachings of Crowley. From what I recall, heterosexual sex has the same potential, but is not as potent as homosexual. Also, you must understand that I am now coming from a Catholic point of view, and all sexual acts which are not open to life, are intrinsically evil. Sodomy is especially heinous as it subverts the procreative process into a self-serving action for pleasure alone that disregards the directives given by God. I am not calling the people who engage in this evil, for I was one myself, but extremely lost and mislead.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for your response. I think you spreading awareness of the occult is very important.

      I'm concerned that we Catholics do not talk openly enough about the dangers of various occult acts, especially sex rituals. It's deemed too "politically incorrect." This fear of discussing specific acts directly allows evil to flourish and claim many victims.

      Those who practice the Darks Arts are completely unafraid of discussing their acts, in fact their grimoires can be found in any mainstream bookstore. Good men say nothing about the occult so many people think the occult is just harmless fun. And that's the beginning of the Road to Perdition.

      Ritualistic sodomy is responsibly for birthing demons - that's a spiritual fact we must come to grips with. Just as we Catholics have our Sacraments and our specific prayers, so too does Darkness.

      It is better for us to know the facts of these rituals and their nature. From the research I've done there's a clear hierarchy of sex act rituals in the occult. By avoiding discussing them, we give them power. It's like failing to point out a fire in a house. Our silence makes us complicit.

      J

      Delete
  20. Joseph, I find your website interesting and bless you for sharing. What people don't understand is that God loves us and he sees our true selves our heart. We like to label ourselves to give us a purpose or a place in this world...i.e color of our skin, our gender, our sexual orientation, et cetera but it is our heart that is the most important. The question is have you given God have your heart your true self? A materistic, hedonistic lifestyle (or the flesh)turns us away from God and into ourselves. The hedonistic lifestyle is sex (any type of sex, hetro, homo or bestiality) or the love of money, violence or fame. God teaches us a simpler way of life and better way. Sex is best in a loving monogamous hetrosexual relationship. As a christian, I believe that ALL humans fall short there is no one (not even a devout christian) that is perfect in God's eye but through his love and forgiveness we find him and suddenly this life becomes bearable knowing that we will be with him when we die.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow,Joseph....I guess I shouldn't be shocked but I am.Not by you or your story,but by the cruel,sadistic,mocking insults that fill these comment pages. I am reminded of what Jesus said about Pearls before swine.Even if these folks disbelieve everything you say why lash out at you? You never said any generalizations about "All gay men are Satanists and crazy" you have been very clear that these experiences are your own and although you believe all are susceptible to something you perceive as dangerous you are obviously trying to warn people and are concerned about them.At no time did you ever seem hateful,unkind or unloving like these supposed human beings have treated you.Since they won't, I apologize for their just plain nastiness and cynical lack of humanity.May only good happen to you from the good that you project outward.:)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I heard your entire interview on Howard Stern, and it seems clear to me that you have been damaged via your experiences. I'm a Christian, and heterosexual, and I have many gay friends that are in committed, happy relationships. Your position on homosexuality, is frankly, bigoted based and only based on your personal experiences.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is based on my experiences, and those of the many gay men that I knew and those who still write to me about how my life mirrored theirs. Not everyone that is in the gay lifestyle is happy. I offer an alternative. That's it.

      Delete
  23. Joseph, I will be including you in my prayers tonight. May God bless you and always protect you from harm!!! I wish I could hug you. :) I remember someone telling me once that every person baptized in the Trinity will be chased by the Holy Spirit to come BACK to the flock of God. This seems to ring true over and over again with every testimony I read of Catholics who have gone astray...they come back!!! Praise God!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you for posting your story. I am a born-again believer and an ex-gay myself. While I find some of your video a bit sensational, I appreciate your willingness to cling to Jesus so publicly. It's not something that's easy for me to do, and so I'm sure it's difficult for you as well. But what better way to show how active God is in our lives.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you for having the courage to give your story a voice. I believe it will help many people. There is an organized, well-defined, politically correct, gay culture that absolutely hates those of us who chose to leave the gay world. My husband calls them the gay mafia. I say, live and let live. Give us the right to be who we are too. One of my best friends was into leather (not my cup of tea, mind you) and died of AIDS. I miss him. I came from an occult background, as I was raised in it, and can tell you that the Devil is very real, but so is God and He will prevail in the end. I was Catholic for 21 years. I still have a fondness for the church and did not leave bitter. I give my allegiance to Jesus, first and foremost, and not to the church.

    ReplyDelete
  26. God Bless you ... I Wanna talk more to you.. and meet you for my friends too here in brazil .. Youre invited to come here..

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you for your story. I am a gay man and I can relate to some things you said. Even I have some gay friends that can really relate to your story as well and I know the way they keep going through that lifestyle they will never find true happyness.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thank you Joseph for sharing your story. I have been through similar things as you have and have come back to The Catholic Church. I am a gay man and still have problems of lust. Fortunately I am celibate and manage to stop myself from masturbating, but porn is still tempting. I know that I may fall but God's mercy is so wonderful. I do confess my sins and my parish Priest is such a good man he helps me through Our dear Lord Jesus. I live in the UK and would love to find friends who are gay, celibate and Catholic so we can support each other. True happiness is through obeying God not through Porn. God bless you. I pray for all gay and Lesbian, Bi and others struggling against sin.

    ReplyDelete
  29. God bless you, Joseph!! I am SO happy that you found Jesus! Ignore all the doubters and nay-sayers. As Jesus said in one of my favorite passages about him in Luke 7:36-50: "...someone who has been forgiven only a little loves only a little."
    Judging by some of the comments I have read, this is VERY true! :)
    God bless you and keep you! Have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year!

    L.D. in Canada..

    ReplyDelete
  30. There were two thieves on crosses next to the Lord Jesus. One justified his sin, cursed God and died, and the other admitted he deserved what he got, repented and entered the Kingdom of God. Joseph, may you remain like Joseph of the Old Testament and St. Joseph of the New, pure, holy and chaste until the end of your life. God will reward you for it as he did those two men. I had a cousin Joseph who survived Pearl Harbor as a child and went on to save my grandmother and me, along with his pregnant wife, from a flood, just like the old prayer to St. Joseph asks -- safety from death by burning, in battle and drowning. Ask their intercession. It works.

    ReplyDelete
  31. What a testament to the Grace of Our lord.I am so proud of you and ecstatic about your return Home to your Father's Church.He met you in the road Joseph.Please pray for me.I will pray for you.Faith is a DECISION that is guided by the Holy Spirit.He gave you Free Will and you used that Will and the Holy Spirit to come back into the light where every child of God belongs.It is a narrow and rocky road and I hope to meet you on it.Gordon.

    Hail Mary,Full of Grace,
    The Lord is with thee.
    Blessed art thou amongst women,
    And Blessed is the Fruit of thy womb,Jesus.
    Holy Mary,Mother of God,
    Pray for us sinners,Now,and at the hour of our death.Amen.

    Our Holy Mother has you by the hand Joseph(what a pleasant coincidence)and is leading you to your Brother,her Son.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I hope it was God's will that I found your sight today, Joseph. I am a former Catholic priest, who after 14 years of ministry left to "come out" and live as an active homosexual. I have experienced much of what you have from Montreal bathhouses, Gin and Tonic hotel parties, porn and travel to the hot spots of Puerto Vallarta, Ptown and Palm Springs spas and back again. I do not practice my Catholic faith regularly but I have not lost it. I feel totally alone. I know the path I am taking and the "freedom" I have found is illusory; I feel it deeply in my bones. But I feel lost. I'd like to discuss my experience with you but unsure how to reach you and my own feelings of unworthiness make me hesitant to 'bother" you at all. By the grace of God alone, I am still alive and still HIV negative and have my health. There is no other reason that I can see for that and for that I am grateful, yet not grateful enough that I do not still take chances with my life. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can reach me at my Catholic store, from 10am to 5pm (closed Sunday and Monday) (707) 224-8754. Joseph

      Delete
    2. Dear Joseph, I lived a life filled with sin from the mid-70s until I returned to the Church in 2000. I was hooked on pornography from the spring of '94 to December '96. I had one or more silent heart attacks and one I now believe, happened when I was watching a porn movie and stoned and drunk. I remember getting up and leaning against the wall. It was not a good place to be, spiritually. And, I thought on reading your inspiring story that you could have been one of those actors I was watching and turned on by. How refreshing to see that you made it out. I have been completely chaste, no help anywhere and no porn, for 14-1/2 years, and now I go to Mass, partake of the sacraments and lean on God. I pray for all I sinned with every night, and come to think of it, I sinned along with the guys who performed in the pornographic movies. So, you're in my prayers. You are beautiful to me; you reflect Jesus Christ in your new life.

      I can really relate to you because I also went to Catholic school and when I was in fifth or sixth grade, I would go into the church after school and pray that God would make me a saint, but I took a long and dangerous detour. You're not alone. Forget the doubters who attack you -- they need our prayers -- and know that many others like me respect you and find you to be an inspiration.

      May God bless you abundantly,

      Delete