Tuesday, June 30, 2015

“They Are All Looking for a Father;” and more musing from the 2015 San Francisco Gay Pride Parade


This year’s San Francisco Gay Pride Parade was billed as “historic” because just two days before, the Supreme Court issued its ruling which legalized same-sex marriage throughout the US. Yet, despite the apparent reasons to be jubilant – little has changed. Since I attended my first Gay Pride at age 19 in 1988 – I saw the same displays of naked guys gyrating on heavily tinseled floats, the same topless lesbians, and the same fervor to get as high and or drunk as possible in the least amount of time; the only major shift I noticed since returning to the Parade as a Christian witness, are the large numbers of minors, especially young girls – who seem to openly and rather pathetically ape the bisexual swingings of current gay icons Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus. Other than that – it’s business as usual: drug-induced giddiness that quickly turns to dry-mouthed desperation; despite the bouncing sun-burned raw flesh that is everywhere – there is a peculiar inability to get aroused; and the ever-present and pervasive sense of boredom that even permeates the over-heated and screeching young children dragged their by touting gay parents.

With my JesusLovesGayMen.com and Women.com sign raised high – the older and curious who remember me and the young and inquisitive who want a free Bible, or one of the religious bracelets that I give away, walk up to me. They typically thank me for declaring that Christ does indeed Love gay men and women, then I hand them a card which gives an internet link to an hour long video detailing my life in San Francisco and escape from the porn industry. Most are surprised and want to know more. I give them a quick 1 minute synopsis of my life before, during, and since homosexuality. Even though they sense that I am clearly not a rabid gay ideologue, still, they understand that I too have suffered – therefore, they always immediately tell me their story – which never takes a minute. But, I listen, that’s really why I am there: to simply listen.

This year, I spoke with a number of precious souls: people raised as Catholics, but, sometimes, without actually thinking about, who just drifted away from Church; some told me they still believe, oftentimes visit one of the majestic and awe-inspiring church’s in the City, but that they never go to Mass; some outwardly rebelled against the Church, understanding – usually only half-heartedly, the Church’s condemnation of homosexuality; many more, found inclusive Christian sects that accepted them for “who they are.” The majority felt that they no longer needed the Church, and that the Church no longer needed, or wanted, them. One person got downright angry with me: claiming that I was asking homosexuals to change. I said I was not: “…that was their decision, but they have a right to know that an alternative does exist.” A few try to trap me with loaded questions: “Does God love homosexuals in a committed relationship;” my answer to these questions is always: yes, yes, yes. God always Love His Children; to myself – I think: He does not Love what they do, but he will always Love them. But, every time, I choose to remain non-confrontational – I am there merely as a messenger: giving the option to those who want to listen; ultimately it’s their call: to stay or to leave – however, they deserve to know that a good life does await them outside of the gay lifestyle.

Some conversations swerve from the spiritual and into the purely material: I inevitably get asked what it is like to be in porn. Along those lines, those that know who I am, think they have the right to grab me inappropriately; my backside was squeezed too many times that day; but, I do not give them the reaction they want; because I understand that everything in the gay world is immediately sexualized: it’s a way of falsely pulling something close to you, and, at the same time, shoving it away: for, when something is sexualized, it brings it down to a plain of existence that we can easily understand – that we can touch and feel; yet, it also degrades it…trivializes it – lowers everything to a level that we can idly take-in while refusing to consider the larger questions that are clearly implied. This is because, in the gay community we fear so much: especially those who have hurt us – so, in order to cope, we strive to conquer our fears by having sex with them; i.e. being sodomized by an older man makes us believe that perhaps our father did love us.

One middle aged man that I spoke with, still attractive and “bear-ish” in his 50s, remembered seeing me on YouTube; being of the same generation – we reminisced a bit about San Francisco in the 1980s and 90s; then, he said: that he got hit on 10 times today. I asked him: “Where they younger?” “Oh yes,” he answered rather matter-a-factly, like I already knew what he was going to say: “…they are all looking for a father.” Over the thumping blasts from the numerous DJs, I said out loud: “Precisely.”



Saturday, June 27, 2015

Gay Marriage: It’s Not About Being Gay, or About Marriage - It’s About Fathers and Sons

Upon entering the gay lifestyle, I was immediately struck by the often large age discrepancy between many male couples. In fact, my first boyfriend was nearly 20 years older than I. But this was something I had been partially groomed for - mainly through my constant addiction to pornography. For, “Daddy” porn is a mainstay within the lexicons of gay pornographic scenarios: usually with the older dominant male introducing the younger less-experienced submissive partner into the world of all-male sex; oftentimes, as well, these situations take on an incestuous plot-line with uncles or older brothers, and in some cases fathers, seducing their younger relatives and their sons. Legendary gay porn director Joe Gage recently said that the demands of gay porn fans often drove his scripts; and they eventually included father-son sex: “But then people called me and told me these deep unspoken fantasies and they wanted me to take it to the next level.” Only, the popularity of these films in the gay market speaks to a wider phenomena of “father hunger.” According to one review of current literature describing the father son relationship and its effect on homosexuality:
“Multiple studies (Floyd & Morman, 1998; Floyd & Morman, 2000; Floyd, Sargent, & Di Corcia, 2004), have been conducted to assess affection in human relationships, including the father-son relationship. Using the Affectionate Communication Index, psychologists have been able to measure affection within relationships. Males who are homosexuals tend to be neglected emotionally by their fathers and receive less affection than their heterosexual counterparts.”* 
Therefore, the gay marriage push within the homosexuality community is a retreat and a return to the father: as HIV infections continue to skyrocket among gay men, especially among younger men, (from 2008 to 2010, new HIV infections increased 22% among young [aged 13-24] gay and bisexual men and 12% among gay and bisexual men overall) this uncertainty and fear has created an atmosphere of innate desperation and an instinctual desire to feel protected. Already wounded by the lack of masculine love in their childhood, homosexuals turn to father-figures in the gay community: an older lover. Then, marriage becomes the ultimate promise of security. 

Several studies have found that the age discrepancy among gay male couples is the highest of any social group:

Australian Social Trends, July 2013  
“Same-sex relationships tended to have a greater age gap between partners than opposite-sex relationships. For female same-sex couples there was an average age gap between partners of 4.8 years, and for male couples there was an average gap of 6.5 years. In around a quarter (25%) of male same-sex relationships there was an age difference of 10 years or more between the partners, compared with only 8% for opposite-sex couples.”

The Demographics of Same-Sex Marriages in Norway and Sweden
“In Sweden, half of all new male partnerships involved partners with a couple mean age above 40. By contrast, only 14 percent of heterosexual marriages involved such senior spouses. The relatively high ages also allow for a larger age gap between same-sex partners. Substantial age differences between partners are more common in same-sex partnerships than in opposite-sex marriages. They are more common in partnerships of men than in partnerships of women: Around one third of all male partnerships are formed by partners where the age difference amounts to ten years or more.”

Same-Sex Unions and Divorce Risk: Data From Sweden
“More than half of all male partners (and 37 percent of all lesbian partners) had an age difference between partners of at least six years, compared to 23 percent of Swedish marriages contracted over the time period. In more than one out of three gay male couples, one partner was at least ten years older than the other (compared to about one out of 7 lesbian couples and one out of 10 of opposite-sex marriages).”

May–December: Canadians in age-discrepant relationships
“…male same-sex couples are the most likely to be in age discrepant unions. Compared to 42% of male-female couples and 59% of female same-sex couples, 64% of men who reported being in same-sex relationships are in unions where the age gap is 4 or more years. One-quarter (26%) of men in male same-sex couples are in relationships where the age gap between partners is 10 or more years, compared with 18% of women in female same-sex unions and 8% of women and men in male-female unions.”

France’s Insee statistics agency reported:
“the average age difference in same-sex marriages was eight years in male couples and 5.5 years in female couple, against 4.3 years in mixed marriages, Insee reported.”





Friday, June 26, 2015

No One Walks Away From the Gay Lifestyle; You Have to be Carried Out


I receive a lot of questions about getting out of the gay lifestyle; well, it’s easy to get into, but very difficult to get out. For, over the years, I never knew one person, heavily into the scene, who suddenly had an epiphany, or an intellectual awakening, or a gradual realization that something was morally wrong. Like Saul, you tend to trudge along – oblivious to everything and everyone around you until that fateful day when you literally get knocked onto your arse. With gay men: this usually occurs when someone dies, you get a disease (typically an STD), or you mentally can’t stand the break-neck pace of none-stop homosexual hook-ups. Then, you collapse; like me, at that point, few know what to do next. In my era, most of my friends who came to this dark place – gave up: they kept banging until AIDS finally took them, they put a needle in their arm, or they simply surrendered that last little speck of themselves. A few saw something walking towards them, steadily and purposefully through the hopelessness. We crawled towards it – only moving a few inches. Then, we got scooped up, and were never seen in those miserable places again. 

“The Lord wishes to cleanse you from the trouble of your sickness and to show you light after darkness. The good Shepherd, Who left them that had not wandered away, is seeking after you. If you give yourself to Him He will not hold back. He, in His love, will not disdain even to carry you on His own shoulders, rejoicing that He has found His sheep which was lost. The Father stands and awaits your return from your wandering. Only come back, and while you are yet afar off, He will run and fall upon your neck, and, now that you are cleansed by repentance, will enwrap you in embraces of love. He will clothe with the chief robe the soul that has put off the old man with all his works; He will put a ring on hands that have washed off the blood of death, and will put shoes on feet that have turned from the evil way to the path of the Gospel of peace. He will announce the day of joy and gladness to them that are His own, both angels and men, and will celebrate your salvation far and wide.” ~ St. Basil of Caesarea



World Meeting of Families Catholic Speaker Still Claims to Be Gay

The only featured presenter who will speak about homosexual issues at the upcoming World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia is Ron Belgau. In a recent blog, Mr. Belgau wrote:
“I describe myself as gay because my sexual attractions are almost always directed toward someone of my own sex. Jeremy Erickson describes himself as bisexual because his sexual attractions have been directed toward persons of both sexes.
For myself, one of the reasons that it is important to simply and straightforwardly acknowledge that I am gay is that I have seen how much damage was done by the strange semantic games many in the exgay movement have played to conceal ongoing homosexual attraction.
The first definition for the word ‘gay’ on Dictionary.com is ‘of, relating to, or exhibiting sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one’s own sex; homosexual.’ Although I am celibate, I still fit that definition with regard to sexual desire, so I accept the label.”
I could not disagree more, for the word “gay,” in my experience, brings to mind so many horrific images of the past: the friends that died needlessly due to AIDS, the suffering and loneliness I endured as a supposedly happy gay man, and the sad plight of those still trapped within the lifestyle. Because gay is not just a descriptive word, but a label; a means of self-identification and a way to communicate with others who you are: I am gay! Now, to identify as gay, while choosing not to have sex with those of the same gender, is to rather stubbornly hold onto the orientation; if that’s the case – then the identity stills possesses something of value, beyond its use as a simple descriptive label. (Also, to resort plainly to semantics, the definition of “gay” from the dictionary, is to neglect all the other social and cultural connotations that word has taken on over the years: “Gay Pride,” “gay porn,” “gay marriage.”) But, moreover, to myself, and to the countless others who escaped homosexuality – the word gay is a lie: as it promised fulfillment and self-satisfaction if we just had the guts to “come-out;” it promised a risk-free sex life if we merely played “safe;” and it promised a normal life of monogamous domesticity, for those so inclined, if we could only find the right man. Yet, coming-out solved nothing: it only confined us in a way of life that continually tottered on the extremes of self-centeredness and hedonism; “safe-sex” was buried as a false ideology in the same dark grave as the naive boys who believed it; and, how many men would you have to sleep through in order to find the mythical perfect guy?

Nevertheless, some cling onto these false hopes. In another blog, Belgau writes, concerning his adolescent crush on a fellow boy: “…there is no good reason to think that my feelings for my friend were derived primarily from disordered sexual desires.” And, herein resides his pervasive need to remain under the gay rainbow umbrella: in his mind, to validate those homosexual feelings as good and worthy emotions. They are not; even if you think you can control them, through chastity; in that sense, chastity becomes a feckless suppression, which always makes the sufferer restless and continually searching for a sense of inner-completion; hence, finding it in the realization and acceptance of being gay. Then, identifying as gay goes part and parcel with the inability to recognize those feeling as “disordered.” My Experience? Deal directly with the hurt: in my case - I was molested by an older girl when I was kid; I was exposed to porn as a boy; was horribly wimpy and effeminate in school; mercilessly teased; and always longed for male acceptance. Admitting and humbly accepting the reality of our wounded nature is paramount to recovery – then, this reveals just how “disordered” our feelings really were; including those boyhood infatuations. Without making that step – we are always locked into the gay mind-set; we are never free; and, we may be chaste in body, but not in spirit.

Identifying as “gay” is the same as identifying with death:
According to the CDC:
“In 2013, MSM [men who have sex with men] accounted for 68 percent of all new HIV diagnoses—a 10 percent increase from 2009.”
And:
“In 2013, 75% of the reported P&S syphilis cases were among men who have sex with men.”
And:
Among males aged 13-24 years 90% of HIV infections were attributed to male-to-male sexual contact. According to the CDC, if HIV continues to spread at its current rates, more than half of college-aged men will have HIV by age 50.
I will never link myself again with a lifestyle that has meant despair, disease, and destruction to so many men. For I cannot forget visiting for the last time a dear friend who was dying of AIDS; in the gay scheme of things, he was not exceptionally promiscuous, but he was utterly charismatic and probably most fully encapsulated, back then, what I thought of as the gay ideal. Being rather young and stupid, as my friend appeared completely sullen that particular day, I tried to cheer him up by rather thoughtlessly saying what a full and eventful life he had. He looked at me, and in the most matter-of-fact tone, said: “It wasn’t worth it.” And, in the end, that’s what the whole gay experiment comes down to: it isn’t worth it.

I think Fr. Paul Check stated it best, when he said in a 2013 interview: “In ‘Veritatis Splendor,’ Blessed Pope John Paul II says that we are in some degree changed by our actions, although we have a fixed human nature. The more a young person self-identifies, the more he is already making a choice in order to firm up that identity in his mind.”

Link to original blogs (mentioned above) by Belgau


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Dead Gay Journalist Randy Shilts on Homosexual Denial and the Future of AIDS

During a 1987 interview with famed journalist and author Randy Shilts, a reporter asked for his opinion concerning the AIDS crisis, Shilts said: “I hate to be the one to say it, but I don't think our gay leaders are going to tell us. The fact is that we're not in the middle of the epidemic, we're at the beginning.” He continued: “I don't think that civil liberties are the most important thing. The gay political leadership is misguiding us by always talking about civil liberties. The most important thing for most gay men...is going to be just keeping sane in the face of all this suffering, because what I do know is going to happen is that we are going to be facing an incredible amount of untimely death...We need to begin gearing ourselves for it psychologically as human beings.”

Author's note: During his lifetime, Randy Shilts remained an extremely controversial figure in the gay community; Shilts died of AIDS in 1994 at age 42. Although an unapologetic advocate for gay rights, Shilts was not a blind ideologue. Most controversially, in his celebrated book “And the Band Played On,” a detailed retelling of the early struggle to uncover the mysterious AIDS virus, Shilts partially laid the blame for the epidemic on the rampant sexual hedonism practiced by gay men. For most, this admittance was totally unacceptable. Subsequently, to many, both in and out of the homosexual world – he became either a prophet or a pariah.

Now, over 20 years since his death, much of what he said has proven true: the needless suffering and excruciating deaths endured by thousands of gay men during the 1990s; the continuing obsession among gay leaders with one civil liberties battle after another: from gays in the military to same-sex marriage; and the collective homosexual inability to cope with the psychological effects of AIDS. Today, although much fewer die of the disease, HIV infections are rampant within the gay male population: Overall, gay men — account for more than half of the 1.2 million people living with HIV in the United States (59%, or an estimated 712,500 persons) and approximately two-thirds of all new HIV infections each year (66%, or an estimated 31,400 infections). Only, gay men continue to construct successively larger and more elaborate worlds of fantasy and make-believe: so far, the biggest of them all – the myth of male homosexual monogamy; hence the current push for the universal acceptance of same-sex marriage; a day-dream that seems only held together by the promise of Truvada (the wonder drug touted by the gay press, which can be used as a pre-exposure prophylactic). In every case, the rhetoric of victory over discrimination proves more appealing than that of depression and disease. But, this goes part and parcel with a psychology of avoidance – to imagine things as they are not: a disease free gay world of middle-class domesticity; and oftentimes for the younger set: a complete immersion in sexual freedom and perversity – as if the 1970s never ended, and, the party didn’t get interrupted by AIDS; in both cases, this way of thinking is delusional and ultimately deadly. 


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Former Seminarian Turned Gay Porn Star Dies

Bruno Bordas*
19??-2015
RIP

*According to an interview conducted in 2008, Bordas revealed that he spent time at an Argentine seminary studying for the priesthood before leaving to enter the gay lifestyle and the porn industry. Asked about the sin he confessed most often, Bordas said:  “…there was a time, especially in adolescence, in which I masturbated often - causing great shame And to do it thinking about boys was adding to my guilt… the questionable thing is that the priest often played down the veracity that I was attracted to boys, saying that perhaps it was due to the fact that I had not been with women, or to the fact that friendship can often be mistaken for a desire towards the other person.” (In hind-sight, probably not the best advice from the priest; in essence, being too dismissive allows the homosexual impulses to take a firmer stronghold within the child as the clear cause of the same-sex attraction is not addressed.) Later, Bordas said he was told that sexual desires are a matter of “sublimaciĆ³n” (suppression); this never works; for it was the suppression of childhood trauma which initially triggered the homosexuality in the first place - suppressing it again just adds to the person’s dysfunction.